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Will the world judge me for being myself? Am I an artist?

I’m re-watching the sci-fi show Fringe right now with my wife and son. It’s a bonkers high-production series with multiple dimensions, time travel, mind control, and monsters that will rip your face off.

It’s FANTASTIC.

I’m telling you this because I am a child of the 80’s and 90’s. Born in 1975, these two decades shaped my brain in what I’m sure are strange and mysterious ways.

For instance, I named my favorite camera (the OM-SYSTEM OM-3) after the coolest Transformer:

I’ve also played Dungeons and Dragons and other roleplaying games most of my life. I’m usually the dungeon master (the world-builder of the group), inviting my friends into my made-up worlds.

The 80’s and 90’s were also fabulous years for technology. Atari, Nintendo, Sega were battling it out. I was mesmerized by the detailed digital worlds I could explore. I think this fascination has stayed with me, allowing me to play with cameras in a fun, playful way (the best way to learn).

Inspired by these sci-fi and fantasy worlds, I wanted, more than anything, to be an artist.

But my father’s criticism of my drawing skills and a lot of fear and doubt led me to do abandon this specific dream pretty early in my life.

How incredible it is to have found my way to photography… but am I really an artist?

That’s a question I’ve been asking for years now - because I VERY MUCH want to be.

When people ask me what I do, I want to say: “I’m a motherfuckin’ artist.” (I used to be a high school teacher, so I trained myself for years not to curse. However, since artists are known for shattering societal norms, I think I’ll throw some f-bombs out there every once in a while).

But currently? I’m still full of doubt.

Is this how an “artist” stands? Looking out into the distance, thinking of all the “existential relationships I have with dirt roads” or something like that? I think I need a better vocabulary to be a real “artist.”

AM I AN ARTIST OR NOT????

Instead of creating art, I scroll. I call it “research” but that’s a lie. I should call it “looking at the anxiety and depression machine.”

Inevitably I convince myself that I’m not as good as these stunning photographers and artists.

Then I wonder: “how much of this is AI???? WhAT IS EVeN ReaL??", and then I’m beset with doom, so I cure that by watching ten hours of cat videos.

This is my Instagram “explore” tab. They know me way too well.

Scrolling Instagram doesn’t help, so I research photography awards. Serious photographers enter these, right? Do I have to take photos like this to be an artist? Portraits, deep monochromes, and hard-to-reach locations?

In my quest to be an artist, I see what others are doing, and I copy. Apparently, “art” photographers use giant, high-resolution sensors.

So I buy tens of thousands of dollars of medium-format cameras and lenses. The images are stunningly rich and detailed and can be printed dozens of feet long with detail that holds up to scrutiny inches away.

While I think these are pretty, and I love being out in nature… these don’t feed the secret artist guy inside me. The one that connects with all the weirdness of living through the 80’s and 90’s.

THAT guy wants to do art like this (look closely):

That’s right. There are Fringe-like monstrosities hiding in the trees of this cornfield.

Super cheesy, and some of you might be rolling your eyes. It’s going to get cheesier.

Last week I told you about my love of the Fujifilm X-half, a pretty bad “toy” camera. Part of the charm of the camera is the over-the-top grain and filters, like the light leak one:

Sometimes art makes me feel feelings, something dudes are not supposed to do. Confused by the development, I grab my iPad and try to draw the things I can’t say:

It’s embarrassing to let you see my mistakes and experiments. I write weird things, inspired by 80’s and 90’s sci-fi.

I walk around the corner and see Ronald FREAKING Reagan. The art makes me feel things too. I want to punch his face, but I’m finally learning I should try to “feel” my emotions instead of just channeling everything into pure rage. So instead, I go home and give him LASER EYES:

I think being an artist is being yourself, and sharing that with the world.

What I’m focused on now is authenticity. There’s a huge part of me that wants to button down and talk about “real” stuff. I want to mimic other artists out there who have fancy ways of saying how meaningful their art is. “My art is an exploration of blah blah blah and my one time I saw my father in law steal a napkin from a restaurant, and it created a yearning in me to throw paint at the wall.”

But that’s just not me. I’m just trying to have fun and find out who I am.

Are you judging me for recklessly bestowing Pinocchio with Ronald Reagan-like EYEBALL LASER POWERS:

Threat level DELTA. He’s about to bust out of this art museum to exact revenge and become DESTROYER OF WORLDS.

The X-half is a BAD camera, but these technically imperfect photos drive me to act.

This shot is dark, grainy, and perfect inspiration for the roleplaying dungeon master in me, crafting some kind of surreal world for my players to experience:

What if the X-half was a window to an alternate world, one that’s trying to overtake our own?

The flying angel/demon/alien thing is a theme now too:

Here’s the original inspiration for the flying demon/angel thing (this photo was taken with the OM SYSTEM OM-3 in far West Texas):

What are those black dots? I think that’s the world falling apart, physics breaking down, entropy, and the result of cats and dogs living together.

I really love saying “LASER EYES.” So let’s keep going with that vibe:

Religion scares me, so I made sure to include the skull in my LASER EYE WAR.

How about a holy book with hidden messages:

All of these are ripe for stories, and I want to keep sharing these explorations into the unknown with the world.

A few older experiments, just for the hell of it:

I feel really weird about sharing all of this. I guess I’m so used to doubting myself… it’s time to forget all of that and live my life.

So here’s the thing. I’m an artist, okay? BUT SO ARE YOU.

What kind of art do YOU want to create? Comment below, and let’s do this stuff TOGETHER!

ON THE YOUTUBES:

My latest YouTube video, where you can see me take the X-half out to do some of this stuff:

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Near Omaha, Nebraska? JOIN ME:

Sign up for a talk with me and my friend Kurt Johnson on March 7th.

We’ll be talking about creative and fun ways to DO MORE STUFF with our photos!

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DO YOU WANT your very own RONALD REAGAN LASER EYES? Here are a few from my newsletter:

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